Take Me as I Am

I have had some thoughts running through my head lately that I have just wanted to jot down, and instead of my journal tonight I'm being courageous and writing them here to let my sisters and Mom see a little piece of my heart tonight. 

So, I had a bad day yesterday. I was overwhelmed and stressed. I had financial issues on my mind and that lead to being very snippy with my kids. The kids had the day off of school, which stressed me out even more. I felt pressure to do something fun with them, but also felt pressure to do some cleaning, cooking, and house work. I tried my best to talk nicely and convince the kids to do their chores. As is probably pretty normal, the kids did not respond well to doing chores on their day off. I ended having to get very grumpy with them to get some things done.  After about an hour and a half, I forced myself to stop and take them to a park to ride bikes and scoot around and play with them, even though really I just felt like staying home. I knew they needed to get out. It seemed to be a lot of work just to convince everyone to get ready to go with shoes and socks and helmets and jackets. I yelled just to get them out the door. Great start to a family outing. 

Once there, when we were about half way down the trail, Buster complained that he was tired. Warner's head was itchy and bothersome from his helmet, and Ruby kept insisting on taking her shoes off and throwing them down the trail.  You know on any other day it might have been ok, but this day, I was just annoyed. Here I was, making all this effort to take them to do something fun, and they are complaining?! I felt so frustrated. It seemed to take ages just to get back to the car with all the slow-poking, complaining, and whining.  

Deep down somewhere inside of me I was still feeling shame about my financial issues. I was kicking myself that I wasn't more frugal. I have a friend who uses a half a wipe on her kids bums when changing diapers, even at the expense of getting stuff on her hands just to save money. Why wasn't I more like her I thought?  

I was also feeling shame about the negative thoughts I was having about my kids. What Mom seriously feels this annoyed and unloving toward her kids? I felt shame about yelling at them that morning. And ironically all this shame was doing was making me more snippy in the moment with my kids. 

So when we got home and it was lunch time and the kids all seemed to be screaming for food at once, I locked myself in the pantry and downed about 6 little snack sized snickers bars from left over Halloween candy. Just you know making decisions that would add to my quota of shame for the day. 

I counted down the moments for Jaron to get home from work.

That blessed moment when another mature, sane, adult can come home with a clear mind, and a willing heart ready to alleviate, help, and support.  Well, that blessed time, that moment when it's finally the end of the marathon, eagerly anticipated by all parties, came. . . and then it went, and an hour later he walked in the door and I was ready to scream. I like to call that hour from 5:30-6:30 when kids are starving, tired, and needy, and Dad is supposed to be home- hell hour. I held back any sort of accusations or meanness because I knew that would do no good, but when he asked how my day was I quietly told him I didn't like children anymore. And then I proceeded to feel some more shame. Shame that I wasn't a happy lovely wife for him to come home to. Shame that I couldn't just be selfless and give him a break and some R&R coming home from work. 

Oi yoi yoi. Where is this going? Well, I'm not trying to tell you a saab story to gain compassion from you or empathy, but I came to a very important realization about myself yesterday. What I realized was that my shame was paralyzing me. Satan tells us that we are not enough. Christ tells us that we are children of God. Satan tells us we are worthless and will never change. Christ tells us that we are priceless, have infinite worth, and are precious to Him, and that with His help, our weaknesses can become our strengths.

So even though on the outside, and in my head, I was thinking I didn't really like my kids anymore and even thinking how they would be better off at a day care with some loving and creative worker than with a grumpy and stressed out Mom, really, what was happening is that I wasn't loving myself. I wasn't giving myself any grace. I was so focused on my failures that I kept failing. When I yelled at the kids in the morning, I literally was shocked at the noise that came out. It sounded so ugly! Did it seriously just come from me? Heaven, please don't ever re-play that tape. I never want to see myself acting that way again! 

This story does have a happy ending, and it's called the kids went to bed. The end. No. Just kidding, but seriously here's what happened: Blessed Jaron was able to bring relief, and let me cry on his shoulder for awhile. He was able to listen and validate and help me sort through all the shame I was feeling. I also had reached out to a friend who responded with many very sweet texts about her appreciation for me and about her testimony of the power of the atonement to lift burdens and make us better. 

The best moment came later that night when I got on my knees to pray. I felt so grateful to be able to repent. I felt so grateful that I would be given another chance. That the sun was going down on my mistakes, on my failures, and that tomorrow would start with a clean slate. Then I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me not feel so much shame. That He would help take that away, and instead help me cope with my stresses. I also prayed that He would help me figure out how to make my weaknesses be my strengths. My prayer felt so connecting, so real, and so relieving. I felt heard. I felt lifted. I felt grace and forgiveness. 

So, this morning when I went for a run, by my blessed self, free of any stroller to push,(hallelujah for Saturdays!) I randomly picked a conference talk that just so happened to be a heaven sent message straight to me. 

This is the reason that I'm even sharing this with you today. I can't imagine that any of my words would help you, because in my eyes, you all seem to have it figured out. I might be just a slightly more broken individual who needs a LOT of work, but one of my goals for myself is to open up more to the people I love. To be real. To reach out, and to be seen for who I am, with all my flaws and everything. 

So with that, I'll share with you this beautiful quote from President Uchdorft that filled my soul with hope and love this morning! 

"I learned in my life that we don’t need to be “more” of anything to start to become the person God intended us to become.

God will take you as you are at this very moment and begin to work with you".

How incredibly hopeful! How incredibly blessed we are! How wonderful is this truth? He will take us as we are? Wipe away my tears as I say that, and as I read that. He will take me as I am! I don't need to be more of anything. He loves me just the way I am. That statement is the industrial fan of love and acceptance that came into my heart and blew out all the shame. He will take me as I am.  

I'm feeling blessed tonight. 

Bless you all. Happy Saturday. 

Thanks for reading.